Recently, I was at a doctor’s appointment where I was relaying an experience to my doctor where one of my kids did something that was completely inappropriate.   I followed up with a comment about how I was failing as a mother, disguised as a joke but sadly, exactly how I felt.  We laughed and continued on with the checkup.  

At the conclusion of the appointment, as I stood to leave, the doctor said, “By the way, you need to stop blaming yourself for your children’s mistakes.  It’s undermining your ability to mother.”  BAM!  There it was.  He was spot on.  Sadly, within only fifteen minutes of meeting me, he recognized this tendency that I, and many mothers I know, have to feel responsible when my children make choices that aren’t what I had hoped.

As I drove home that day, I thought a lot about what that wise doctor said.  Just that morning, one of my daughters had sent text messages to each of her friends saying what she liked about them and pointing out positive qualities they possessed.  She did it on her own.  As she was sharing some of the messages with me, I immediately thought, “Wow! What a neat girl.  I’m so lucky to be her mom.”  

Conversely, a few days before, in a fit of anger, one of my kids threw off his flag football belt during a game and stormed off the field saying how awful his team was, and that he was done playing.  My thought was, “Man, what am I doing wrong?  How am I screwing up this mom thing so bad?”  This was a pattern in my life that often left me feeling like a failure and an incapable mom.  These negative thoughts were absolutely undermining my ability to mother.  

I know I’m not alone in feeling this way.  I listened to a talk not long ago given by an apostle in my church, James E. Faust, where he said, “One time when I did a thoughtless thing, I remember my mom exclaiming, ‘Where did I fail?’”  His mother raised an apostle of the Lord, and at times felt like she was failing too.  

I have many moments in motherhood when I fear I have it all wrong.  So, how do I change my thinking to create a more healthy and positive approach to motherhood?

This desire to change how I see myself as a mother is ongoing for me.  The adversary knows that undermining a mother is a strategic place to hurt the home.  As I look to Heavenly Father, who is the perfect parent, for guidance, I have noticed a few things.

God Doesn’t Expect Perfection

First, he doesn’t expect perfection from me.  In fact, he knows that sometimes I will make poor choices.  And yet, when I do, He doesn’t see it as a failure on His part.  He sees it for what it is.  He gave me the ability to make choices, and I didn’t make the best one.  He still loves me.  In fact, knowing that I was going to mess up sometimes, he gave me the ability to repent, be forgiven, and try again.

God Doesn’t Give Up on Me

Second, He doesn’t give up on me.  No matter how many times I get it wrong, He patiently lets me try again.

God Leads by Example

Third, He leads by example.  He has modeled the behavior I should replicate, and then He lets me decide.

God Teaches Me

Finally, He teaches me.  He has given me many great resources where I can learn to do right.  He has set me up for success but knows the road won’t be without challenges.

A few years back when my oldest daughter was about 6 years old, she was playing at the park in our neighborhood.  She and another little girl got into a disagreement.  As the other girl’s father tried to resolve the issue, my daughter grabbed a handful of sand, threw it at him, and yelled, “You’re the worst neighbor ever!” and then ran home.  Obviously, I was horrified.  I beat myself up over that for a while.  “I mean, really,” I thought, “if I were a good mom, my kid would not be doing that.  My kids could have grown up in a barn, unattended and would probably be better behaved than they are now.  Why do I even try?” My perception of my success as a good mom was based solely on the choices my kids made.  

I wish I had considered that maybe I was a good mom, because, when this happened, I still loved my daughter.  Or maybe, I was a good mom because I talked to my daughter about how her actions made others feel and helped her understand the consequences her choices had.  Or maybe I was a good mom because I helped her make cookies that she brought to our neighbor later that day to apologize.  Most importantly, maybe I was and am a good mom because I didn’t give up.

My kids need me. I need them.  We are learning from and growing with each other every day.    It’s a work in progress.  Learning to recognize their failures as learning experiences for them, and not incidents that point to my lack of qualification as a mom, will probably always be a challenge for me.  But, I will keep trying.  I will love them through it.  I will look to our Father in Heaven for guidance.  And I will hope for the best.  I will do all I can do, and that’s enough.